Make It Better

You know that feeling when you expect yourself to struggle with something because you genuinely believe that you know yourself and your capabilities just that well, but then it turns out that you greatly underestimated yourself and you end up tackling and conquering what seemed like a Goliath of a task and you're overjoyed and feeling yourself and such?  Yeah, well that's me.  That's been me all year to be honest.  Last fall I enrolled in classes at my college again after taking 2? years off and I've been pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

I "dropped out" of school because I wanted to (I hated school) and also because I had no choice (my GPA was in the toilet and they wouldn't let me register for classes anymore.)  When I graduated from high school in 2009, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (and I'm still not sure I've figured it out.)  I'm not one of those people who has a passion, something they genuinely love and can visualize themselves doing for years to come.  My passion is whatever makes me happy at that current moment. My passion is ever changing. Anyhoo, now I'm back in the books because I've decided to go into nursing. (I can tell that it's a bit of a disappointment to people who have been set on me becoming a pharmacist or something else requiring at least another half a decade of my life, but they'll live.) I've always had a thing for the medical field, I think I can manage the courses, and I've got plenty of seasoned and new practicing nurses within my reach to ask for help and advice, so I'm thinking this might be a good fit for me. If not, there'll be another blog post to follow on how I've decided to join the circus or become a gypsy.

To return to my original thought..I'm so proud of myself! I've always known that I've got some smarts on me, but rarely did I have anything to show for it.  I think we touched on this in the previous post, but procrastination, quitting, and I go waaaaay back.  Sometime early last year something finally just clicked in my foggy noggin and I realized that I don't want to work in retail for the rest of my life. (Took me long enough...)  I started looking at the classes I'd completed and which degrees I'd already made progress toward.  Nursing seemed like the way to go!  For the first time in forever I was really taking initiative, asking the hard questions, setting up meetings with advisers, being productive, and facing this education business head on.  One thing led to another and before I knew it I had my tie-dye backpack full of overpriced books and cutesy school supplies.  I  really hustled last fall and went from getting failing grades and barely achieving (pre-hiatus) to getting grades I could actually show off and seeing my name on the President's List this past Spring! Like....who are you and what did you do with Bee?  School used to be something I had to shy away from in conversations because I was afraid that people would ask me about my grades or how close I was to attaining my degree.  Now I bring it up in conversations because I'm actually excited about it!  Yes, most of the people I went to school with are leaving me behind in a trail of dust from an academic standpoint, but it's cool.  Taking time off from school to figure out who I am, what I like, what I'm capable of, what I believe, and where I want to go in life was truly necessary and I'm almost certain that if I'd stayed in college continuously it wouldn't have been as good for me as this experience has been.

People always say that you should never do anything before you're ready, and they're absolutely right!  Even over just a few years I've grown so much as a woman.  I've had experiences that I would've missed if I'd been enrolled in school when they came about.  I'm blabbing on and on about this just to say that everyone is on a journey.  If your journey takes a little longer than someone else's, that's just fine.  Maybe you decide to take a different route to get to the same destination as someone else.  That works too.  Some of us decide to make pit stops to enjoy the view, or to have a snack and recharge. None of these are "wrong" regardless of what others might tell you.  As long as you get there and don't let distractions get in your way, keep doing what you're doing. Now if you have an appointment or engagement to meet at your destination, you have got to make sure you do everything in your power to get there prepared and on time. Don't confuse "taking your own path" with straight up slacking. But if you're the type who needs to, don't let anyone make you feel bad for pulling over and looking at the map.

I feel.....redeemed. I've made a comeback.  I took a sad song and now I've made it better.  There's no more Eeyore rain cloud over my head.  The guilt and shame are gone.  I've got such a long way to go academically, but I'm taking it semester by semester, course my course, assignment, by assignment, hour by hour... Here's to starting the nursing program(which has yet to be determined)in 2016!!

Wish me luck & lots of sleep!
<3 Bee