Say Something

Never underestimate the power of your words.

I wouldn't really consider myself a very comforting or nurturing person.  I'm pretty sure all of my friends know that if they want someone to figuratively kiss their emotional boo-boos, I am not the one.  I just don't know how to do it.  Kids are easy. They have an abundance of optimism, but when I say "Everything is going to be ok." to someone who clearly knows that it won't be, I feel like a fraud.

But in that instance, is it really about the truth or is it more important to say what it takes to soothe or temporarily "fix" the person? I would consider myself a special case.  I dated a guy a few years back who had all the drama in his life. It wasn't his fault, so no shade, but still.. There were nights when he'd break down and cry over things that were happening in his life and I was....probably the least supportive girlfriend person on the planet.  There were times where I would simply not respond, not because I didn't care but because no words would come. I feel pressured to say the right thing or the perfect thing and instead I just clam up and don't say a word.  (Is it insensitive to say that emotional people give me the creeps? Oop. Too late.) I'm pretty sure he thought I was just a b*tch who couldn't care less about him and his struggle, meanwhile I would beat myself up over my inability to connect with him and fulfill my role as his partner.  To make a potentially long story short, I'm almost certain that my seemingly stone cold heart was a major factor in our breakup.

After much thought and much time I realized that in my attempt to avoid making things worse I was doing exactly that.  Worse-making. What I thought was the lesser of two evils was the worst thing I could've done.  Nobody (except myself) is expecting me to be perfect. They're just expecting me to try.  This rings true for sooooo many facets of my life.  I learn this lesson over and over, yet I continue to let fear get the best of me and hold me back. I'm sure I've turned several relationships sour because I couldn't or wouldn't say something when they needed me to.  As blunt, glass-half-empty, and pessimistic as I can be sometimes, I still appreciate it when someone tries to be supportive with an "Everything happens for a reason" or an "I'm sorry this is happening to you."  Do these cliche phrases #fixmylife? Of course not.  Do they bring a tiny ray of sunshine to my hopelessness and a gentle breeze to shoo away my Eeyore cloud? Most definitely.  None of us are looking for someone to swoop in like a superhero and have all of the answers.  Just try. Speak up. Say something.

Make It Better

You know that feeling when you expect yourself to struggle with something because you genuinely believe that you know yourself and your capabilities just that well, but then it turns out that you greatly underestimated yourself and you end up tackling and conquering what seemed like a Goliath of a task and you're overjoyed and feeling yourself and such?  Yeah, well that's me.  That's been me all year to be honest.  Last fall I enrolled in classes at my college again after taking 2? years off and I've been pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

I "dropped out" of school because I wanted to (I hated school) and also because I had no choice (my GPA was in the toilet and they wouldn't let me register for classes anymore.)  When I graduated from high school in 2009, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (and I'm still not sure I've figured it out.)  I'm not one of those people who has a passion, something they genuinely love and can visualize themselves doing for years to come.  My passion is whatever makes me happy at that current moment. My passion is ever changing. Anyhoo, now I'm back in the books because I've decided to go into nursing. (I can tell that it's a bit of a disappointment to people who have been set on me becoming a pharmacist or something else requiring at least another half a decade of my life, but they'll live.) I've always had a thing for the medical field, I think I can manage the courses, and I've got plenty of seasoned and new practicing nurses within my reach to ask for help and advice, so I'm thinking this might be a good fit for me. If not, there'll be another blog post to follow on how I've decided to join the circus or become a gypsy.

To return to my original thought..I'm so proud of myself! I've always known that I've got some smarts on me, but rarely did I have anything to show for it.  I think we touched on this in the previous post, but procrastination, quitting, and I go waaaaay back.  Sometime early last year something finally just clicked in my foggy noggin and I realized that I don't want to work in retail for the rest of my life. (Took me long enough...)  I started looking at the classes I'd completed and which degrees I'd already made progress toward.  Nursing seemed like the way to go!  For the first time in forever I was really taking initiative, asking the hard questions, setting up meetings with advisers, being productive, and facing this education business head on.  One thing led to another and before I knew it I had my tie-dye backpack full of overpriced books and cutesy school supplies.  I  really hustled last fall and went from getting failing grades and barely achieving (pre-hiatus) to getting grades I could actually show off and seeing my name on the President's List this past Spring! Like....who are you and what did you do with Bee?  School used to be something I had to shy away from in conversations because I was afraid that people would ask me about my grades or how close I was to attaining my degree.  Now I bring it up in conversations because I'm actually excited about it!  Yes, most of the people I went to school with are leaving me behind in a trail of dust from an academic standpoint, but it's cool.  Taking time off from school to figure out who I am, what I like, what I'm capable of, what I believe, and where I want to go in life was truly necessary and I'm almost certain that if I'd stayed in college continuously it wouldn't have been as good for me as this experience has been.

People always say that you should never do anything before you're ready, and they're absolutely right!  Even over just a few years I've grown so much as a woman.  I've had experiences that I would've missed if I'd been enrolled in school when they came about.  I'm blabbing on and on about this just to say that everyone is on a journey.  If your journey takes a little longer than someone else's, that's just fine.  Maybe you decide to take a different route to get to the same destination as someone else.  That works too.  Some of us decide to make pit stops to enjoy the view, or to have a snack and recharge. None of these are "wrong" regardless of what others might tell you.  As long as you get there and don't let distractions get in your way, keep doing what you're doing. Now if you have an appointment or engagement to meet at your destination, you have got to make sure you do everything in your power to get there prepared and on time. Don't confuse "taking your own path" with straight up slacking. But if you're the type who needs to, don't let anyone make you feel bad for pulling over and looking at the map.

I feel.....redeemed. I've made a comeback.  I took a sad song and now I've made it better.  There's no more Eeyore rain cloud over my head.  The guilt and shame are gone.  I've got such a long way to go academically, but I'm taking it semester by semester, course my course, assignment, by assignment, hour by hour... Here's to starting the nursing program(which has yet to be determined)in 2016!!

Wish me luck & lots of sleep!
<3 Bee

And so it begins...

I've always been a perfectionist, but not just any perfectionist. I'm the underachieving kind. All my life I've struggled with the mindset that if I can't do something perfectly then I shouldn't bother trying it at all.  That's resulted in shameful grades, lost relationship opportunities, and a constant feeling of dread and defeat. Maybe you can relate, or maybe you think that's just absurd.  Anyhow, now that I've grown into a woman, I can look back at my like thus far and remember many, many instances where this screwed up view on life has truly held me back from so many experiences that, even if they hadn't turned out perfectly, would've given me extraordinary memories if I'd only given them a shot.  Not to be morbid but now that I'm nearly a quarter of a century old *faints* I've started to hear the clock ticking and I'm much more conscious of the fact that each day that I wake up only brings me closer to THE END.  It's time for me to get serious about this carpe diem business and a little less serious about life in general.  I was hesitant to start this blog because recipes and I go hand in hand, but there's no recipe, rubric or manual for the perfect blog.  I like to know exactly how success is defined and I need all of the instructions on how to get there.  For example, although I'm not a fan of the kitchen in general, I'd much rather bake than cook.  What the heck is medium heat? I need something more along the lines of "450 degrees for 15 minutes." I'm going to consider Sugar Sweet Bee a mid-year resolution.  This is me trying something new, putting myself out there, and being fearless and shameless.  Day by day I'm learning that it's ok to make mistakes and to make a fool of myself.  As my header says, I'm growing and destroying.  I'm growing by being my authentic self for a change and getting to know who I truly am at my core without the influence of those around me.  I'm trying new things -- things I'm afraid of failing -- because failure is not a death sentence.  It's ok if I'm not perfect. It might actually be better that I'm not!  I'm destroying the villainous voices in my head that say I can't or that I shouldn't.  I'm destroying the bad habits that I've carried with me all these years that are only weighing me down and keeping me from being the little lady I want to be.

Now let's get one thing up front and on the table: I have no idea what I'm doing. I've never been one to consistently follow a blog, I don't know the first thing about html, and my life is fairly uneventful.  But I'm trying anyway.  It's going to be a journey, a learning process, a true challenge...but I'm excited! This might just be awesome. And so it begins...

Thanks for stopping by,
<3 Bee
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