It's not often that I can accurately express the way that I'm feeling or the thoughts that I'm having. Most of the time I feel as if I'm in a vortex of thought fragments. They're all spinning around me and wreaking havoc, but they're so quick and obscure that I can't quite identify and tackle them -- so I just stay in the funnel of my mind's little hurricane and wait for the storm to subside.
Today my mind seems to be a bit clearer, so I thought I'd share some of my thoughts with you.
I'm in this odd place in my "walk with God" -- if I can even call it that. It's really more of a crawl, if anything. When I think about the relationship I have with God it makes me think of some conversations I used to have with my mom a lot. They go a little something like this:
Me: Mom...I was wondering if I could go to CityWalk with (insert friend's name here) tomorrow night.
Mom: ....Who? Who is that? You've never mentioned (friend) before? How do you know them?
Me: We're in AP Blah Blah together and we ride the same bus.
Mom: Yeah? What are they going to study in college?
Me: ....what? (wondering why this is relevant)
Mom: You don't know? I thought you guys were friends. You must not be that close if you don't know what her life plans are.
Me: (shuffles back into bedroom, defeated)
God and I have something similar going on. I saw we're friends and to some it probably seems like we're fairly close, but if someone were to really ask me about Him I doubt I'd pass the "friend test." I'm on a mission of sorts to submerge myself in a self-created pool of Jesus-ness. I just started a new daily devotional plan via the YouVersion Bible app, I'm truly trying to be more conscious of the music I listen to and the programs that I watch. And I'm trying to remember to pray. I don't remember who said it but recently I heard someone say that prayer is the one thing that you can't do wrong [pertaining to worship?] and totally agree. In high school there was a time when I was reading my bible fairly often and praying very frequently. A lot of the time I would lay on my back in my bed, stare up at the ceiling and just talk to God. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with kneeling or bowing your head, I'm just not sure that it should be the praying standard. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe in "The Good Book" we're told what proper praying stance is and I just never got to that part. But when I pray I like to talk to Him as if I talking to a friend, a father, someone who loves me, someone I want to be close to. Isn't He all of those things? I find it difficult to truly connect in the conversation of prayer when I'm facing the opposite direction of where He is. And I feel like a fraud if I change my vernacular to some foreign type of speech that I've been taught but isn't natural to me. My God doesn't want a broken record, He wants authenticity. As I go on this journey I'm praying for accountability and consistency as well as an open heart. So if you see me in the streets, holla at your girl and remind me to speak to the Man upstairs.
In my last "about me"-style post I mentioned the fact that I have an unpopular opinion of the whole marriage concept, at least as it pertains to me in particular. I can count on 2? maybe 1 hand the number of "relationships" I've been in. (I say "relationships" because most of them were in grade school & I'm pretty sure we were just friends that agreed that we thought the other was cute.) Now I'm 23 and wondering if I should be planning on living a life of solitude. I don't know what God's opinion is on the matter. When He said that we should go forth and prosper did He mean everyone? Or are there some of us what should just stay home and read? It doesn't help that every day I lose a little more faith in the concept of matrimony. Maybe that's just the way my heart is set up. Maybe I'm not supposed to find the idea of spending the majority of my years on Earth with a man. I've never dated or been in a relationship with a person who truly saw and understood me or that I felt completely safe with or that I could trust not to embarrass me. So at this point in time, when I think of the maturity level of men/boys/guys my age, the fact that I'm not getting any younger and would like to have children before my eggs turn to dust, and realize the vast disparity between the number of guys who want to "netflix and chill" as opposed to help me study for the TEAS and NCLEX I get a bit discouraged. Also, when I think about my the people close to me who have gotten married and have gotten divorced or are still married but cranky because of it, it makes me think that maybe the lonely life isn't so horrible after all. I guess this is one of those things that I'll have to keep on my prayer list indefinitely. If God wants to give me a man He'll do it, right?
*sigh* I have a tiny breakdown this week. Something clicked, or burst, in my brain and I realized that it is very possible for me to become a nurse and have on of my patients die. I freaked out and started reevaluating my life choices...only to realize that I've spent way too much money on the pre-nursing path to turn around now. I'm very paranoid when it comes to making mistakes. I've always been the kind of person who was deeply ashamed if they raised their hand in class and got an answer wrong, so I learned not to raise my hand. Even this Monday morning I had a microbiology lab and I nearly begged my partner to conduct her experiment first because I was afraid that I would fail. I'm not sure where this ever-looming fear of failure came from. I can remember being made fun of for things I couldn't change -- like my appearance or even my age. But I don't remember being shamed for doing something wrong. I do know that I thrive on compliments and praise. When I don't receive those things I interpret the silence as an insult or scolding. In my mind, if you didn't think I did well enough for you to tell me how well I did I must have done a horrible job. I was the golden child growing up. I never did anything wrong, my parents were always proud of me and my head was the size of a hot air balloon. Then I got older, didn't work as hard, the praise went away and I clammed up like a disappointing hermit. Life got harder and I developed this twisted mindset where if I wasn't going to do something perfectly and be the best at it then I didn't want to attempt it at all. Now I'm a "grownup" and that fear of failure is still ever present. I'm struggling to have a high self esteem and a high level of confidence as I get closer and closer to applying for (and hopefully being admitted into) nursing school. It's easy to BS your way through lecture courses, but when you're actually out in the field and making decisions that can affect people's lives it gets a little scary. I'm trying to keep my chin up but I've got so many pessimistic thoughts floating around and I fear that I'm not as equipped for this career choice as I should be. How do you know if you're cut out for something before you have the opportunity to try it?
I think I've blabbed enough for now, but don't fret. You'll see me again in the blogosphere soon enough!
Thanks for reading! xoxo, Bee.
